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The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 28 February 2008 16:41 Go to next message
Tetley
A collection of dreadful jokes updated each day, watch this space Nod

Day 1...

The police apprehended 2 youths today, one drinking battery acid and the other sniffing fireworks. They later decided to charge one and let one off !
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Fri, 29 February 2008 09:41 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tetley
I bought some animal crackers today but it says on the packet 'do not eat if the seal is broken' Confused
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Fri, 29 February 2008 14:31 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Grandad
GROAN!!! Rolling Eyes Laughing
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Sat, 01 March 2008 00:09 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tetley
A teenage girl is stood infront of the doctor having a routine school medical, placing his stethoscope to her chest he mutters

'Big breaths'

smiling she replies,

'Yeth and I'm only thixteen'
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Sat, 01 March 2008 02:32 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Dworkin
Greetings Tetley.

I'll agree with Grandad and add these are dreadfully, well, so much like my own jokes. I further admit I used to have sit down comedy routine that was so bad that my chair was taken away. Hard act that as where I was at the time had a mandatory seat belt law...

Tetley, For the sake of many that shall remain unnamed for their families sake, please...

Keep these coming.

Please?

Best,
Dworkin
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Tue, 04 March 2008 06:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
harmonyclubanne
Why do people carry umbrella's? because they can't walk,
deathly silence broken only by sound of wind and tolling of funeral bell
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Tue, 04 March 2008 20:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
southwest_couple
Old cornish couple go abroad on hols.
They befriend and feed a skunk,
Hols over, they discuss how to smuggle said skunk home,
Hubby says 'Put it down yer knickers'
Wifey says 'What about the smell?'
Hubby says ' Well, if it die, it die!'
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Tue, 04 March 2008 23:18 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tetley
A man goes into a bakery shop and says 'I want to buy a wasp'

The baker says 'we don't sell wasps'

Man says 'but you've got one in the window'
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 05 March 2008 00:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tetley
It's 1966 and Michael caine has just bought his new house, its the night of his house warming party. Everyone who's anyone is at Michaels party, Sophia Loren sips champagne whilst talking to Mick Jagger, Jimi Hendrix passes round the odd joint, the Everley brothers try to chat up Petula Clarke while the elderly Lauren Bacall watches.

Michael is mixing well with his guests, things couldn't be better, a new 43 room mansion and a big party to celebrate it, till suddenly from the corner of his eye Michael see's John Lennon looking a bit down.

'What's up John ?' says Mike

'I'm pssed off' says John 'think I might have an early night'

'Don't be silly John, the party is only just warming up. Tell you what I'll sort you out a good time upstairs then you'll soon feel better.'

John still feeling low reaches for his coat till Mike stops him...

'Go to the end of the first floor corridor knock on the door and a good time is promised' Mike re-assures him.

Reluctantly but not wanting to be a wet blanket John goes upstairs, there's room after room along the corridor, every door hides the fun behind. Temptation gets the better of John and he opens a door....

....Jim Morrison is stood with his trousers round his ankles while the half naked Brigitte Bardot empties her mouth and wipes her chin.

'Ello John' says Jim, 'this has to be better than anything Yoko can give you, wanna go next ?'

John's still a bit down but says asks Brigitte if she can oblige'

'Sure John, lets undo your belt' she says.

Within minutes John's mood changes, he's enjoying every second of this, till Michael storms in.

Grabbing her long blonde hair Michael pulls Brigitte off and slaps her ...

Screaming she shouts 'what's up Mike ?'

Mike is furious, the veins are showing on his neck, he's livid, but replies to Brigitte........









Wait for it.....














wait for it.....














'You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off'
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 06 March 2008 16:42 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tetley
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the chemists that can diagnose anything quicker than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs £10."

Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the chemists. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the chemists, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the £10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:

Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehab clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better. Nod

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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 06 March 2008 23:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
candy_stockings
That's a wicked one! Very Happy
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Fri, 07 March 2008 07:39 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tetley
The ugly persons convention is having its regular Sunday morning mass in the village church and 100 of them are deep in thought whilst praying to God.

Suddenly the Archangel Gabriel appears fron no-where and as a gesture of thanks offers to grant each one a wish come true.

Walking to the start of the line he approaches an ugly young woman and asks what her wish is. She asks to be made to look like Marilyn Monroe in her 20's. The guy a the far end of the line titters but in a puff of smoke sure enough she's a stunning blonde.

Moving on to the 2nd person in the line Gabriel asks what the young man would like, he wants to be made to look like Brad Pitt, again the man at the end of the line laughs but like a bolt of lightning seconds later we have a handsome Brad Pitt lookalike.

Gradually Gabriel works along the line one by one, each of the ugly people is granted their wish and invariably after years of enduring their plight they ask to be made beautiful.

At position 37 the young woman asks to look like Britney Spears in her heyday, the laughter at the end of the line is now beginning to annoy Grabriel but the wish is granted.

By position 63 the man at the end of the line can barely contain himself as a young man asks to be made to resemble Tom Cruise.

At no 99 we have a badly deformed young woman who begs to look like Sophia Loren in the peak of her career, despite all the rude laughing from the next person Grabriel grants her wish.

Finally Gabriel reaches position no 100 and asks the man in fits of laughter what his wish is, still laughing the man wipes the tears from his eyes and replies....

.... 'make them all ugly again' Shocked

[Updated on: Fri, 07 March 2008 07:40]

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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Sat, 08 March 2008 00:08 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tetley
A man escapes from a prison where he had been kept for 15 years.

As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it, looking for money and guns, but only finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him up in a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed, he gets on top of her, kisses her
on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband tells his wife, "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn't seen a woman in years.

I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, just give him satisfaction.

This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he'll kill us.
Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear.

He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom.

Be strong, honey, I love you, too." Shocked
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Sun, 16 March 2008 00:00 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Tetley
2 canibals are eating a circus clown and one says to the other "does your's taste a bit funny ?"
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 19 March 2008 14:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jac
Sven and Ole are walking down the street and there, lying in the yard, is a large dog giving himself a "very selective and localized" bath.

Sven said, "Boy, I sure vish I could do that."

Ole said, "Vell then, you vant me to hold him for you.?"
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 19 March 2008 14:05 Go to previous messageGo to next message
joanna99
When I left home to go to university, my mother said 'Don't forget to write!' I said 'Why should I forget - I've been able to write since I was 5!'
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 19 March 2008 14:17 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jac
An old couple dies, leaving behind instructions on what to engrave on each other's gravestones.

Hers was to read: " Here lies my wife, as cold as ever! "

His was to read: " Here lies my husband, rigid at last! "
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 19 March 2008 14:19 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jac
If it weren't for Venetian blinds ... it would be curtains for all of us. Rolling Eyes
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 19 March 2008 15:05 Go to previous messageGo to next message
joanna99
What do you call a simple American flower-seller?
















Florist Gump!
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 19 March 2008 18:45 Go to previous messageGo to next message
luca_brasi
Whats the difference between a hormone and a vitamin?.................................................... ...............

You cant hear a vitamin

Bum Bum
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Tue, 25 March 2008 19:12 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jac
Did you hear about the insomniac who was hauled off to the police station for resisting arrest? Smile
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Tue, 25 March 2008 19:18 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Dirk
A streaker was arrested today on Southport pier .... his naked run apparently caused 2 old ladies to have a stroke ... the other old dear couldn't quite reach .... Rolling Eyes
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 26 March 2008 15:02 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Burytyke
A young lady went into a cocktail bar and asked the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Fri, 28 March 2008 21:35 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Dirk
What do you get if you cross George Formby with Eddie Murphy?




' Eee-heee! Very Happy Turned out nice again ........... Mutha f**ker !! '

Shocked Shocked
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Sat, 29 March 2008 14:48 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lacewing
Q. How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light-bulb?

A. None. They'll fix it in the software.

lacewing.
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Sat, 29 March 2008 18:23 Go to previous messageGo to next message
CD_Fiona
Hear about the dyslexic pimp?

He bought a warehouse!!!
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Sat, 29 March 2008 18:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Dirk
...or the dyslexic Devil worshipper, who sold his soul to Santa Shocked
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Sat, 29 March 2008 22:31 Go to previous messageGo to next message
southwest_couple
Two men 10,000 miles apart,

One on a tight-rope 1,000 feet above a canyon,

The other having a blow-job from an 80yr old woman,

Whats the same thought that goes through their mind at the same time?......



















For Gods sake Don't look down! Twisted Evil
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Sun, 30 March 2008 11:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lacewing
...or the dyslexic lingerie fetishist, who walked into a bra?
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Sun, 30 March 2008 11:37 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Dirk
lacewing wrote on Sun, 30 March 2008 11:01

...or the dyslexic lingerie fetishist, who walked into a bra?


Laughing ...and when he came out of the bra, he was so drunk, he lay in the gutter on his back ...and choked to death on his own vimto ..... Shocked
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Sun, 30 March 2008 12:43 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lacewing
Q. What do agnostic, insomniac dyslexics do at night?

A. Lie awake, wondering if there is a dog.

lacewing.
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 02 April 2008 16:31 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jac
Did you hear about the guy who committed suicide by drinking a can of varnish?

...It was a terrible ending, but a pretty nice finish. Rolling Eyes
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 02 April 2008 17:21 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jac
I'm trying to remember a joke that a blonde told me once, and now I've forgotten it. It's about a man who entered a pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hopes that one of them would win. And then none of them did.

No?... Or was it... He entered a pun contest and sent in ten puns in hopes that one would win and no pun in ten did.

....I don't get it. Sad I better get outta here. Embarassed
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 02 April 2008 18:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Burytyke
An convention of chess players was being held a large hotel.
One evening all the players were at the large entrance hall arguing about who was the best technical player.
Their voices got louder and louder and the manager shouted at them and asked them all to calm down or leave the hotel.
This upset the players and some asked the manager why he was so angry with them.
To which he replied..................


Wait for it..........................


"I don't like chess nuts boasting in an open foyer"

BT

There's more if you want them.
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 02 April 2008 20:16 Go to previous messageGo to next message
glasgow-girl
Yes please....

A three legged dog walks into a wild west bar...He goes up to the barman and says

'I'm lookin for the man who shot my paw...'
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 02 April 2008 20:55 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Burytyke
There were three animals sat in a clearing in the woods discussing which was the true king of the animals.
The hawk said "I am because of my eyesight, I can see a mouse from 10,000 ft in the air."
The lion said "No, I am because I'm the king of jungle."
The skunk said "I am because I just release my smell and everything runs."
So they just carried on squabbling and along came a huge grizzly bear and ate them all................


Wait for it..................................


Hawk, lion and stinker.

BT
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 02 April 2008 22:34 Go to previous messageGo to next message
glasgow-girl
A little boy asked his Dad

'Why do flies die with their legs in the air?'
'So that God can pick them up and take them to heaven' answers the dad.
'Oh, Thats good then' says the boy
'The other day mummy was on her back with her legs in the air, she was screaming, 'God, I'm coming'and if it wasn't for the milkman holding her down she would have gone..!!
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 03 April 2008 00:01 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Dirk
4 British prisoners of war were due to be executed by firing squad. The Commander of the firing squad asked if they had any last wishes ....

The Scotsman said ' I'd like to hear a recording of the bagpipes played out loud for 10 minutes before I die ...'

The Irishman said ' I'd like to hear a recording of an Irish fiddle played out loud for 10 minutes before I die ...'

The Welshman said ' I'd like to hear a recording of a Welsh male voice choir played out loud for 10 minutes before I die ... '


The Englishman said ' .... Just make sure you f**king shoot me first ... ' Rolling Eyes

Wink

[Updated on: Thu, 03 April 2008 00:02]

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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 03 April 2008 10:55 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lacewing
Yet ANOTHER light-bulb joke Rolling Eyes .

Q. How many journalists does it take to change a light bulb?

A. Three. One to report it as an inspired government programme to bright light to the people. One to report it as a diabolical plot to deprive the poor of darkness, and one, who will later win a Pulitzer Prize, for reporting that the Electric Company hired a light bulb assassin to break the thing in the first place.

lacewing, via Wanda the Fish.
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 03 April 2008 11:10 Go to previous messageGo to next message
glasgow-girl
LOL had to let you knw...
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 03 April 2008 14:49 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Mike in SF
They're all funny. Thanks Very Happy

x
Mike
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 03 April 2008 15:38 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Burytyke
Two peanuuts walked into a bar, one was assualted.
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 03 April 2008 17:58 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lacewing
Not exactly a joke, this one, but it might still make you smile.

http://www.awasteofmoney.com/

lacewing.
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 03 April 2008 19:19 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Dirk
When cheese has it's picture taken ......... what does it say? Confused
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 03 April 2008 21:18 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jac
Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes ... that's sooooooooo bad ... that it more appropriately belongs in the 'Bad Jokes ...' thread! Rolling Eyes Wouldn't you agree?
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 03 April 2008 21:20 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jac
... now, if we can get back to some truly decent jokes ... Smile

Did you know that in a bowl of Irish bean soup there are exactly two hundred and thirty nine beans?

No?

That's because if there was one more bean, it would be too farty.

Razz
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 03 April 2008 21:54 Go to previous messageGo to next message
Dirk
jac wrote on Thu, 03 April 2008 21:18

Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes Rolling Eyes ... that's sooooooooo bad ... that it more appropriately belongs in the 'Bad Jokes ...' thread! Rolling Eyes Wouldn't you agree?


Ooops Shocked I thought this was one and the same thread, as far as bad jokes go ..... bad jokes do have that certain ... appeal though, Jac Rolling Eyes Er .. as your ' bean ' joke perfectly illustrates Twisted Evil Laughing

Beans eh ? Rolling Eyes

Confucious say ' Man who f*rt in Church must sit in own pew '

Embarassed

[Updated on: Thu, 03 April 2008 21:56]

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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Fri, 04 April 2008 00:00 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jac
Shocked .... brother! Rolling Eyes and that one is soooooooo old ... that it's almost as ancient as this one ... Razz

I was having trouble getting an appointment at my proctologist ... as he seems to always be behind in his work.

... see how that ties-in rather nicely with the 'pew' joke? Smile

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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Fri, 04 April 2008 11:37 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lacewing
Apparently, this one is true Laughing Confused !

Robbers left to rue loo break

(This article appeared in the Guardian on Friday April 04 2008 on p19 of the International section. It was last updated at 00:10 on April 04 2008.)

It was a beautifully simple plan - creep into an abandoned house next to a bank after dark, spend the night knocking a hole through the wall into the vault, and sneak away with bagloads of cash before dawn.

But removing bricks is one thing, doing so in the right place quite another. After crawling through the hole, the thieves in Mexico City found they had miscalculated. Instead of emerging in the bank, they were face to face with a toddlers' slide. So they began hammering again, this time through two walls, from inside the children's party venue just behind the bank.

But when they finally climbed into the bank the euphoria can't have lasted long. They were not in the vault, but in the toilet. And not only were they looking at urinals rather than wads of cash, they were locked in, and the alarm had gone off.

Their heist a mess, the would-be robbers scrambled back through the holes they had so carefully made and disappeared, without a peso for their efforts.



lacewing.
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Fri, 04 April 2008 17:50 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jac
Laughing Rolling Eyes ... That's incredible lacewing! What some people won't do for a little money! Rolling Eyes That story reminds of the time I... well I... oh, never mind. Embarassed

==========================================================

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Well just tell them to see - Jack or Dorothy Hockstedler of "Jacks Radiator Repair!"

Remember ...

"All Tracks - Lead to Jacks!"


.... and now, we return you to your regularly scheduled Off-Topic Thread.
Very Happy
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Fri, 04 April 2008 19:09 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lacewing
A great Youtube clip here, with a catchy new number instead of that boring old 999!

http://youtube.com/watch?v=s2Q6xbEZ-f0

lacewing.
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 09 April 2008 15:52 Go to previous messageGo to next message
richandpaula
Why are pirates called pirates ???

Because they AAAaaaarreee...
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Wed, 09 April 2008 16:25 Go to previous messageGo to next message
jac
Q. Why should you wear two pairs of pants when you play golf?

A. In case you get a hole in one. Surprised
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Re: The Tetley daily joke thread. Thu, 17 April 2008 12:35 Go to previous messageGo to next message
lacewing
Not exactly a joke, this one - again - but well worth the re-telling!

I was watching an old episode of 'Only Fools and Horses' early this am - don't even ask Mad ! and this one made me laugh out loud, and feel a bit more at peace with the world Cool !

DEL: 'One of my most favourite meals is Duck a l'Orange, but I don't know how to say it in French.'

RODNEY: 'It's canard.'

DEL: 'You can say that again, bruv!'

ROD